


Starward

by angelsandguns



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Reader Insert, Ben Solo x Reader - Freeform, F/M, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, Jedi Training (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren x Reader - Freeform, Master Skywalker - Freeform, Padawan Ben Solo, Slow Burn, Young Ben Solo, possible future Poe x Reader relationship, sequel trilogy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22518892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsandguns/pseuds/angelsandguns
Summary: After Luke took you in as his own protégé at seven years old, you and Ben became quick childhood best friends. That is until you went off to a school in the Outer Rim as a teenager and were forced to tell him a tearful goodbye. What will happen when you two are reunited as grown adults at Luke’s training temple? Will old feelings arise? Will you be able to save Ben from himself?
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

Ben has changed—a lot. He was no longer the scrawny, scruffy haired, big-eared teen you once knew. This Ben towered over you and had a wide build with muscles that you could see from the opening of his robes. His elongated face was more defined; his cheekbones were high on his face and much more prominent than in his teen years. Okay, his hair was still the same scruffy mess, but you had to admit, Ben had really grown into himself. You watched him spot you in the crowd and his face lit up.

“Hey, Starward,” he said after coming up to you. Now that he was up close you could see that he truely towered over you, practically like a tree.

“Still calling me that, huh?” You asked.

“What? You think I’m going to forget the single greatest joke I ever made?”

“Well, when you don’t make a lot of good jokes, that’s hardly an achievement,” you replied and dodged his attempt shove your shoulder. He was so large now, he probably would’ve knocked you over with just a tap.

He chuckled and drug a hand through his black mess of curls, pushing it back, only to let it fall back unceremoniously around his face.

You loved this side of Ben. The teasing, funny side that he seemed to only show to a few people and saved the brooding Ben for the rest of the world. His brooding will come back like rolling storm clouds soon enough, once the initial excitement and giddiness wore off, but you were grateful for the sunshine that you were experiencing now. Besides, you didn’t mind his grumpy self all that much. It was cute.

Ben opened his mouth to retort but he was interrupted by Leia rushing over to you two.

“Y/N!” Leia exclaimed and wrapped you in a tight hug. You sighed happily in her arms. “It’s been too long.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I should have flown to see you it’s just-“

“You don’t have to explain,” Leia said, pulling back with an easy smile. Her smiles always had a way of bringing one out of you.

“Where’s Han?” you asked and looked to see if he was around. Leia’s smile faltered and she sighed. 

_Uh oh._

“He’s sulking in the Falcon. He doesn’t really approve of…” she trailed off and gestured to the temple.

“…me being a Jedi,” Ben finished for her. You could feel his irritation coming off in waves. You’d already heard from Luke that Han had given him his two cents about training Ben to be a Jedi.

“At least he came to see you off,” Leia offered. Ben just shrugged and turned his gaze down to his feet. You tried to send some comfort through the Force but if Ben felt it, he didn’t show it. Leia rubbed circles on his back.

“Don’t you think on it, Ben. You know how your father is, he’ll get over himself soon enough.” You could feel some of his negative emotions slipping away the more Leia talked.

She wrapped his large frame in a hug and stood on her tip-toes to place a sweet kiss into his hair. He gave a small smile at this and tightened the hug, gripping onto her robes, almost as if he held on hard enough, she wouldn’t be able to leave. You saw Leia whisper something into his ear and, not wanting to eavesdrop, you turned away to look around at the other students. You couldn’t help feeling the mixture of sadness and comfort through the Force, though. His mom always had a way of calming his mind unlike anyone else.

“I love you, Ben,” you heard her say.

“I love you too, mom,” he said, voice giving away his emotions. You risked a glance and saw his eyes were glassy.

“You know how to reach out to me,” she said and placed a small hand over his heart. Ben nodded curtly and sniffed. Leia turned to you with a smile and pulled you into a hug as well.

“You have to visit after you’ve finished training,” she said and you nodded on her shoulder. You felt her pull away slightly and bring her mouth closer to your ear, speaking just low enough for Ben not to hear.

“Help Ben not to slip into that dark place in his mind. I know you could always keep him grounded when you two were younger.”

It was true, besides Leia, you think you were the one who understood him most. You talked him through his panic attacks when the voices in his head just wouldn’t _shut up_. You never judged him when he spoke of his pull to the dark side, instead helping him to ground himself and reminding him of all that is good to focus on. You never thought of him as a monster. More importantly, you never made him _feel_ like he was a monster. You know most people in his life ever intentionally made him feel like he was evil, but their thoughts tended to always betrayed them. But not you. Remembering this only made you feel worse about leaving.

You knew Han and Leia loved him dearly, but they talked too loud behind closed doors. From Ben’s perspective, they spoke about him as though he wasn’t their son, but a monster. Maybe that’s why Han didn’t want him trained in the force.

You swallowed the lump in your throat before pulling back and nodding. You wouldn’t fail her. Or Ben.

Leia smiled and brought a hand to your cheek.

“May the force be with you, always.”

You covered her hand with your own.

“May the force be with you.”

Once all of the parents had left and it was just you younglings left, you were each shown to your quarters. These stone huts didn’t provide much in terms of homey vibes, but you could make it work. Besides, you knew you wouldn’t be spending much time in there anyways. You’d much rather be swinging your saber throughout the night than tossing and turning and begging for sleep to come.

Once you all got settled into your new home for a while, you all headed to the temple cantina for dinner.

Every part of the temple was beautiful, even the cantina. The walls were mostly a clean shade of alabaster, as most of the temple was, but these walls had swirls of blues, yellows, and greens painted across them, meant to represent lightsaber colors, you assumed. They were decorated with some old rebellion flags but mostly various flags of the Jedi Order. The shiny black tables stood out sitting atop the ivory durasteel flooring.

While surveying the black tables, you spotted Ben eating alone with a hung head from across the room. You rolled your eyes at the thick curtain of hair blocking his face.

“Hey, grumpy,” you greeted, sitting next to him with your own tray of food.

“Who’s grumpy?” Ben scoffed and took a bite out of his Haroun bread.

“You are,” you said and nudged his shoulder, “but that’s about to change.”

“Is it now?” Ben asked and looked up at you and you could tell he was at least a little bit cheered up as your presence.

“Mhm.” You plopped a Hubba chip in your mouth and savored the flavor that you hadn’t had since a kid.

“Are those—?”

“Yep,” you replied and let another one land on your tongue, making a show of moaning with delight. Ben swallowed harshly in response and you saw the tip of his ears that were peeking out of his hair turn pink.

_Oh._

Luckily, an R2 unit whirled over to break the tension and beeped a question at both of you.

“No, thanks, QT,” you responded and it beeped a goodbye, rolling to the next table. By the time you looked back at Ben, his ears had returned to their normal shade.

“Luke gave me a few bags as a gift and I thought we could eat them together but—“ You broke off as Ben snagged the bag from your hand. “Hey!”

You scrambled to get it back from him but he held it above his head and shoved a chip in his mouth with a grin.

“You should have better reflexes,” he teased. You rolled your eyes with a scoff and pulled back from him while he continued to hold them in the air as if it was a trophy. He grinned in victory at your retreat and put a few more chips in his mouth.

“I haven’t had one of these since that time we went to Batuu.” While you feigned interest at his telling of the memory, you secretly reached your hand out under the table and pulled at the bag suddenly with the Force. You brought your hand above the table quickly and caught it before Ben had time to react, the chips crunching loudly under your grasp.

“And you shouldn’t trust so easily,” you gloated and shook the bag in front of you. Ben shook his head at you and rolled his eyes.

“Well, I—“

A loud clearing of the throat ran out through the room and everyone’s conversations instantly died down. It seemed like no one wanted you to have an actual conversation with Ben today. But, thankfully, you have a lot of time to catch up.

“Welcome, young padawans,” Luke greeted with a smile. He sent a wink your and Ben’s way and you giggled softly. You saw Ben’s small smile out of the corner of your eye.

Your parents had brought you to Luke a little after your seventh birthday when you first began to show signs of being Force sensitive. Luke had said no, at first. Not that you could blame him; some random people showing up at your doorstep and saying their daughter led them to you? You’d say no, too. But, Luke felt your power raw and electric around you and described it akin to touching a live wire. He knew if he didn’t train you, no one else would and your power could be dangerous if left unchecked. Or worse, if the Sith rose again, they could get a hold of you and use you to their advantage.

After a few months, when you were training with Luke off-world, someone came for you. Only they didn’t know that you were off-world. So your parent’s house was blown up, with them in it.

Luke either truly doesn’t know who it was or he’s intentionally keeping it from you. Your feelings told you the latter, but every time you’ve asked he’s shut you down.

Luke had taken you in after that. That’s where Ben’s nickname for you had come from. Skyward. Because you were a ward of Skywalker. It was a terrible joke, but it stuck. Ben and Luke used to laugh at it as if it was the funniest joke in the world. That feels like a lifetime ago now.

“These next few months will consist of all the training you need to become young Jedi.”

Excited mumbling broke out through the crowd until Luke silenced them with a look. It was the same look he would give you if you had done something wrong. In fact, you think it was that exact look that you received when you nearly wrecked his X-wing while taking it for a (non-authorized) joy ride, with Ben cheering you on from the ground.

“Don’t fool yourself into thinking this will be easy. Overconfidence will only slow you down and get you or others killed. You have to work together if you ever expect to become proper Jedi. Remember, controlling your feelings is key.” Luke appeared to be looking at Ben when he said this and you felt a prickle of irritation come off of him.

Without thinking, you reached down to grab his hand under the table in comfort. Ben stiffened at the contact, but you kept your hand there all the same. There didn’t need to be any more intimacy than this, you were just letting him know you were here and hopefully, that would be enough. Ben’s emotions were a rollercoaster throughout Luke’s speech. Irritation. Excitement. Nostalgia. Worry. Fear.

“Attachments can prove dangerous for a Jedi, especially romantic ones, ” Luke took a pause and surveyed the room before saying, “which is why we, as Jedi, are prohibited from having any.”

Now a worried and slightly angry rumble went across the room and you heard groans of frustration ringing out. At their grumbling, you chuckled and turned to Ben.

“Come on, is that really much of a surprise? That’s like Jedi 101,” you joked, but he was keeping his face stoic and looking forward at his uncle. You felt a feeling coming from him that you couldn’t quite place

“Now, now, I know you probably feel that this rule is unfair…”

“It’s rubbish,” you heard someone grumble behind you.

“…but it is necessary in order for us, as Jedi, to keep our emotions stable.”

“My mom told me about this but I didn’t think he’d _actually_ do it,” a girl said from the table behind you.

Silently, Ben pulled his hand away from yours. Blood rushed to your cheeks as hurt and shame flooded your body and you had to take a few deep breaths to control your emotions. The only thing more embarrassing than Ben pulling his hand away, would’ve been him feeling how hurt you were by the gesture. You hadn’t held his hand to make some sort of romantic attempt, it was merely out of comfort. Ben must have seen it differently. You crossed your arms across your chest.

You’d forgotten how much Ben Solo had also frustrated you.

Luke continued to drone on, but you honestly couldn’t care less what he was rambling about. You’d heard this speech a few times from him already at home and you weren’t in the mood the hear it a fourth time.

It was brought to your attention that the speech was over when a round of applause sounded and you quickly joined in as to not show you weren’t listening. But judging by Luke’s face, he already knew. You were sure he could feel your churning emotions as well. You shrugged and mouthed an apology but Luke just shook his head with a grin.

On your way to get more food, a purple Twi’lek stopped you in your place.

“Hey, you’re Y/N, right?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah,” you replied with a chuckle, “How’d you know?”

“Everyone knows you here. I mean, you were raised by Luke Skywalker,” she bubbled excitedly.

You sighed. You’d hoped that wouldn’t be public knowledge but you were obviously a fool to think that.

“Yeah, that’s me.” You forced a chuckle that you hoped didn’t reveal how uncomfortable you were and rubbed the back of your neck. It was silent for a second as you stared at the floor and she kept her gaze on you. You looked up and gave a half-smile, chuckling awkwardly. You hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable, after all, she was just being friendly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you out like that—this is _not_ how I wanted to introduce myself…My name is Helixia,” she said and eagerly thrust her hand out. You gave her a reassuring smile and shook her hand.

“I’m Y/N, but you knew that already,” you joked. She giggled and you were happy to feel her nervous energy drain away.

“Anyway, I wanted to let you know that we’re all going to a bonfire tonight and you’re free to join if you’d like.”

She sounded so hopeful. Even if you wanted to say no, you couldn’t.

“Of course, that sounds great,” you replied. Helixia squealed and jumped in excitement. You watched as she started to go in for a hug and then thought better on it. Smart.

“Okay! Well, I guess I’ll see you there!” she said before skipping back off to her table, her purple and white lekku bouncing with every stride. You had to admit, she was adorable, but that conversation had drained you of a bit of energy. You let out a sigh of relief and continued your pursuit to find a sweet-sand cookie. You grinned when you found your treasure and grabbed another one for Ben.

“You’re welcome,” you said after handing the cookie to Ben. He chuckled and took the cookie from you, examining it.

“You couldn’t wait for me to say thank you first?”

“I knew it was coming.”

Ben took a bite of the cookie and nodded in agreement.

“I will admit, this is worth a thanks.”

You smiled and took a second to just watch him enjoying the cookie.

“So…I think everyone’s going to a bonfire tonight…Do you wanna come with me?” You asked while your leg bounced nervously under the table. You’d hoped him pulling away from you in the cantina had been an isolated incident. You didn’t feel any residing hostility coming off him…

“Sure,” he answered and casually took another bite of the cookie. Your eyes flew up to look at him and he gave you an adorable mouth-half-full, close-lipped smile. You returned the smile and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“C-cool, good, uh, I’ll meet you outside your hut at 2000 hours?”

“Sounds like a date.”

Excitement quickly coursed through you and you couldn’t help to grin that appeared on your face.

 _Oh boy_.


	2. Bonfire

You splashed water on your face.

Why were you so nervous?

The refresher’s shower ran in the background while you stared at your reflection in the mirror.

Should you wear makeup?

_No._

You groaned and threw your face in your hands. You just needed to relax. You nodded at your blurry reflection in the now fogged up mirror and hung your robe on the hook.

The warm water was instantly calming and encouraged you to take long, deep breaths. Maybe you’d have time for a quick meditation session before you had to go. The thought made you question why you even needed one.

This was _Ben._

Big, goofy, grumpy Ben whose ears were too big for his head.

Besides, even if you were interested in him that way, he made it pretty clear in the cantina that he did not. And you were glad that he didn’t. That would only complicate things.  
You shook your head of those thoughts. Jedi weren’t allowed to form attachments anyway, so whatever you used to feel for Ben before you left doesn’t matter. You weren’t children anymore.  
You inhaled deeply as your jebwa flower-scented soap drenched you in tranquility. It was the same scent your mother had always used.

Just as you were beginning to relax, a loud knock at the door startled you and caused your eyes to fly open. You cursed as shampoo slipped down into your eyes and they instantly burned.

“Hey, chosen one, other people have to shower, too,” a girl's voice rang out.

You already knew she was going to be the cause of a lot of your meditation sessions.

You quickly washed the shampoo out of your hair and stepped out of the shower, wrapping your lilac towel around your body.

You grabbed the clothes you were planning on wearing and slipped them on. You could’ve waited to do this until you left the refresher but her incessant knocking made you want to go slower.

Finally, you thrust the door open to see her scowling face. The girl’s white hair sat atop her head in beautiful, intricate braids that stopped just above her shoulder. Her bright green eyes were squinted and her full lips were twisted into a scowl. She was actually quite pretty, it was too bad she was a bitch.

She said nothing to you and simply slipped into the room behind you, being sure to shut the door a little too hard.

“Nice to meet you, too.”

~

The sun was beginning to set, bathing the inside of the temple in a golden light and making the floor tiles shimmer. The specks of light appeared to be dancing with each step you took. You

took a moment to smile in admiration of the sight of the temple that basically looked like it was taken straight from a painting. This place wasn’t the worst place to spend most of your time.

“Hello, Y/N,” Luke greeted and you pulled your gaze away from the temple to see him give a nod in your direction.

“Hello, Master Luke,” you replied cheekily, stopping to come in front of him.

He rolled his eyes. “I told you, you don’t have to call me that.”

“I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m getting special treatment, Master.” He chuckled with a shake of his head.

“I’m gonna regret training you aren’t I?”

You nodded, trying but failing to keep a straight face. He nodded his head in the direction of the archway of the temple and started walking, with you trailing behind.

“How was my speech?”

“You mean the three other times I heard it or...?”

“Listen, smart mouth—“

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” you interrupted and nudged him a little.

“The speech was great. I think they were really listening to you.”

Even if you hadn’t seen his shoulders lessen their tension, you could feel his anxiety lessening and relief replacing it. You gave him a smile, which he returned.

“I see you and Ben had time to catch up,” he said.

You stopped just outside the temple entrance and looked at him. He had a peculiar look on his face that you couldn’t place. You tried to press and feel what he was feeling but he didn’t let you in, much to your frustration.

You flushed at the thought of Luke seeing you hold his hand.

“Yeah. We had a lot to catch up on...it’s been a while.”

“It has.”

“And it wasn’t very kind of you to not-so-subtly aim your comment of controlling emotions at him,” you added, giving him a pointed look.

“Well neither you nor Ben have ever been good in that category,” he defended with a tiny smirk.

“Yes, but he doesn’t need you pointing it out in front of everybody.”

Luke chuckled softly and smiled at you.

You squinted. “What?”

“You always were the first to defend him,” he said adoringly.

 _Well if no one else is going to_ , you thought to yourself but thought better of vocalizing it.

“Anyway...who’s the girl with white hair?” you asked, eager to change the subject.

You were sure Luke could feel the irritation rolling off your shoulders at the mention of the mystery girl.

“Ah,” he said knowingly. “So, I see you’ve met Voe.”

“I wouldn’t call it meeting as much as her yelling at me for being in the refresher too long.”

“Yeah, Ben didn’t get along much with her either when they trained together.”

“I can’t imagine why.”

Luke chuckled softly.

“Voe had a bit of a rough upbringing... she’s never felt good enough. Especially when it came to Ben. And he talked about you a good bit after you left—“

“He did?” you asked. A little too excitedly based on Luke’s eyebrow raise at you.

You cleared your throat. “I mean, he did?”

“Yes, he did. We both did,” Luke replied. “Ben and I both spoke very highly of you...And she can sense how strong your powers in The Force are for herself, which, I’m sure, contributes to her insecurities.”

You sighed. How was it your fault that you were stronger than her? If she just worked harder and didn’t get so in her head she could be nearly as good and you and Ben.

“Easy,” Luke said in a warning tone.

“I didn’t say anything,” you replied defensively.

“I don’t need to be Force-sensitive to know what’s going on in your head.” He tapped on the side of your head and you rolled your eyes, pushing him away. He stared at you for a second before turning serious.

“Not everyone has had the same opportunities you’ve had, you need to remember that.”

You stared into his clear blue eyes before needing to drag your gaze away. His disappointed looks always stung more than anyone else’s.

You nodded; he was right, you knew he was.

“Where are all you going off to? Do I even wanna know?” He asked as the other younglings bustled around you and towards the valley.

“Uh, group bonfire slash bonding session? I don’t even know,” you admitted with a soft chuckle.

“Well have fun with that.”

“I’m sure I will.”

You felt a familiar presence and smiled to look over at the entrance where Ben stood in new tan robes. You could tell he was freshly showered as his hair was still damp and sticking to the sides of his face. His look of discomfort at the aspect oncoming socialization almost made you laugh but you held it in.  
You were going to make sure Ben Solo had fun tonight if it was the last thing you did.

By the time you both made it down to the valley, the sun had nearly disappeared behind the horizon and the other students were adding sticks to fuel the large flame in front of you.

Neither of you had much time to admire the view before a purple figure was running to you.

“Hey, Y/N! You made it!” she greeted you excitedly. You had to hold back a laugh when Ben jumped in surprise.

“Hey, Helixia.”

Her gaze flickered to Ben and you instinctively went to introduce him.

“And you're _Ben_!” Helixia exclaimed before you could. “Ben Solo! It’s such an honor too meet you. Your mom has always been a hero of mine...”

You could feel Ben’s discomfort rising the more she spoke about his family.

“Hey,” you tried to find a polite way to interrupt, “Do you guys want a drink?”

“Oh, well I’ve already had a drink but if you guys want one they’re over there.” She gestured to a table with an assortment of drinks.

“Thanks,” you said and Ben took this as his opportunity to fast walk toward the table.

“No problem-Hey Tai!” You were relieved when she ran over to greet boy just arriving.

“So, everyone already knows exactly who we are,” you grumbled and took a sip of your Corellian whiskey. The strong burn was worth the feeling of warmth throughout your chest.

“I think I have you beat,” Ben replied, taking a sip of his own drink. “At least you had a chance of anonymity.”

“That is true.”

You sighed dramatically and watched as the other students mingled. You spotted the girl from earlier, Voe, in the crowd, wearing an unimpressed face. She looked like she was trying so hard. She needs to just let go--

You thought back to what Luke said and stopped your train of thought. Everyone learned at their own pace and it wasn’t your place to judge her.

“You know, I know we are, but maybe we shouldn’t stand apart from everyone like a pair of loners,” you said and nudged him. “We should try and socialize.”

Ben hummed. “Sounds awful.”

You giggled softly and grabbed his hand.

“Come on,” you said and began to drag him towards the other students, ignoring his protests. “This will be good for us.”

Ben grumbled something next to you but you ignored it.

Maybe it was the nerves or maybe it was because you haven’t had more than a sip of alcohol in years, but you had definitely drunk more than you should have. Ben had cut you off when you mentioned the stars spinning above you.

You remember convincing Ben to dance with you and him begrudgingly agreeing, lightly moving his limbs to the song playing before quickly finding an excuse to be somewhere else. You danced with another boy named Tai, who had a very calming, mellow energy about him and Hellexia, the Twi’lek you’d met earlier, came to join. At some point, you went to socialize with others but everything after that is a little foggy.

Before you knew it, you were sitting on a log a bit away from everyone else. You blinked a few times and looked around, spotting Ben sitting next to you.

“Wait, what happened? I was forcing you to socialize.”

Ben snorted. “Yes, you certainly were. But, I figured we both could use a break as you and I both know that we’re happier just sitting here by each other.”

You were grateful the alcohol could be used as an excuse for the flush that rose to your face. Ben must’ve realized how his words sounded because he cleared his throat and began to backtrack.

“I mean, by ourselves, like, not disturbed by others not...“

You would’ve saved Ben the embarrassment of stumbling through his sentence if you weren’t in such a nice state of warmth and tranquility. Ben’s voice just felt like background music to you as you closed your eyes and let his voice lull you into an even happier state.

You really had missed him.

“...and you’re not even listening to me.”

Okay, that you caught.

“Sorry...I think I had a little too much to drink,” you said and a giggle bubbled inside your chest. Your brain finally got the signal to open your eyes and you saw Ben wearing an amused smile.

“A little? Without me, you’d be passed out by now.”

“My hero,” you said, dramatically placing a hand over your chest.

“Did I succeed in my mission for the night?” You asked.

Ben tilted his head. “What mission?”

“My mission to make sure you had fun tonight.”

Ben laughed loudly, throwing his head back. He took another sip out of his bottle. “Yes, I would say you succeeded.”

You both laughed and you took a second to just listen to the laugh you’ve missed for so many years. You smiled and rested your head on his shoulder.

“I really have missed you, Ben.”

His force presence was a storm of emotions ever since your head touched his shoulder. Maybe he just decided he didn’t care about all the thoughts in his head right now, or your relaxing presence helped him, you’ll never know which but after a minute, his presence finally felt calm for the first time since you had returned.

He sighed and placed his head on top of yours.

“I’ve missed you too, Starward.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoy this new chapter! So sorry for the long wait. Please leave kudos if you liked it :) Comments are appreciated!


	3. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben came closer to you and you raised your head in defiance, but also because if you didn’t you would be staring at his broad chest. You know he uses his build to an advantage, thinking if he towers over you he has the upper hand, but you never gave him the satisfaction. Maybe this would work on his sparring opponents, but not you. And maybe you liked it a little too much when he was a little too close.
> 
> You looked up at the man before you through your lashes; you also knew your own strengths.
> 
> “So, what do ya say, Flyguy? You wanna test your theory?” you asked in a low voice.
> 
> You watched his adam’s apple bob nervously and you knew you were succeeding. You smirked up at him and his jaw shifted in irritation.
> 
> “Pick a time and place, Starward,” he replied cooly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update! I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'm almost done with the next!   
> Please check this out and donate if you can: https://blacklivesmatter.carrd.co

t had been a few months since your arrival at Luke’s training temple and you and Ben had already fallen into old habits.

His lightsaber skills had certain improved, you noted, but so had yours. You were constantly teasing him while sparring, trying to get him to break, but Ben was completely focused whenever fighting was happening. It’s like he slipped into a trance with the hum of his lightsaber driving him. You found it adorable, but it worried Luke. He said that he noticed him using Dark Side methods during his training, but it wasn’t as if all of those methods are truly bad, just different from Jedi techniques.

And there you were, back to defending him. But, Ben wasn’t alone in thinking that the Jedi had some major flaws. You think his mood would improve if he was allowed to express his emotions instead of keeping them bottled inside. That’s not to say you believe in the Sith’s way of using your emotions to fuel you and bring you power, but, there had to be some sort of healthy balance to these things. You wished Luke would teach you grey methods of using the Force, and not just the Light side that the old Jedi’s had preferred. After all, Darth Vader had started out as a Jedi and they allowed him to rise to power, so maybe their methods weren’t as perfect as Luke pretends they were. You just didn’t see what was wrong with a little Dark.

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for the two of you, though. Ben still struggled with his feelings of self worth and it was sometimes hard for you to convince him that you truly cared or that his family cared. His insecurities caused him to lash out and seek to self isolate instead of reaching out to his friends like you and Tai. You knew he also held residual anger at the fact that you left all those years ago, not that he’d admit it. 

It’s not as if Luke did much to dissuade these insecurities, and you made sure to tell him as much, but you didn’t know if Luke truly knew how to help Ben. He didn’t understand him like you did and for the most part, that wasn’t his fault.

The side that you had the privilege of seeing, the joking, carefree side of him, was not something everyone got to see. It was easy to see him as a resentful and sad boy if he didn’t let you in.

Overtime, Ben stopped showing this side to Luke as much as he used to. You don’t know what changed but at some point after you left their relationship deteriorated and you didn’t know if it could be repaired. If it could, you certainly weren’t the one to do it. You made a note to ask Leia about it the next time you spoke to her.

You both had also kept the habit of bickering like an old married couple. You were constantly butting heads and it didn’t help that you both were relentlessly stubborn. In Ben’s defense, it’s hard not to be stubborn after being raised by the two most stubborn humans alive.

“There they go again,” another student groaned.

“Shut up, Bactar,” Ben snapped before turning back to you.

You scoffed. “You’re honestly telling me, that you think you could beat me, in my starfighter and you, in your dad’s old light freighter—that’s constantly needing repairs— in a race?” you asked in disbelief.

“That ‘old light freighter’,” Ben retorted, using air quotes, ”made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed at the phrase you’ve heard enough times to last a life time. You looked around at your audience in disbelief and Jannik shrugged. People had learned to not get involved in your petty disputes.

Ben leaned over to get back in your line of vision. “I’m not gonna say it’s not a piece of junk, because, it is, but I am saying that I am a good enough pilot to beat you any day, in any ship.”

You threw your head back in a loud, obnoxious laugh. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Okay, now I really know you’re messing with me,” you scoffed.

Ben came closer to you and you raised your head in defiance, but also because if you didn’t you would be staring at his chest. You know he uses his build to an advantage, thinking if he towers over you he has the upper hand, but you never gave him the satisfaction. Maybe this would work on his sparring opponents, but not you. And maybe you liked it a little too much when he was a little too close.

You looked up at the man before you through your lashes; you also knew your own strengths.

“So, what do ya say, Flyguy? You wanna test your theory?” you asked in a low voice.

You watched his adam’s apple bob nervously and you knew you were succeeding. You smirked up at him and his jaw shifted in irritation.

“Pick a time and place, Starward,” he replied cooly.

Your smirk grew and you opened your mouth to retort but you never got the chance. Luke’s force presence alerted you to the fact that other people do, in fact, exist and you had a whole audience watching your and Ben’s—well, whatever this was.

“Kriff, would you two get a room already?” Voe snipped and you instantly retreated from Ben, warmth flooding your cheeks.

“Language, Voe,” Luke said, finally arriving to the training grounds.

Students instantly straightened their backs and wiped the grins off their face at his arrival. Voe’s body crumpled at Luke’s sharp reprimand and you suspected her cheeks were also warm.

“Y/N, Ben, stop whatever ridiculous feud you have going on and get into a ready position,” Luke commanded and you both obeyed, along with the rest of the class.

Ben seemed…uncomfortable would be the only word you knew how to describe it. He kept shifting his legs in between forms and you caught him conspicuously moving things around under his belt. You knew boys had to move things around down there sometimes, but you’d never seen Ben quite this bothered.

Maybe you could press inside—

“Y/N, focus,” Luke snapped, bringing your attention back to the task at hand.

“Sorry, Master,” you apologized and resumed the stance that the other students were in.

It might’ve been your imagination, but you thought you felt Ben’s eyes boring holes into you, but you didn’t dare turn and check.

After training you went straight to your water bottle, relishing in how good it tasted. You weren’t ashamed to admit you might’ve moaned audibly. You couldn’t help it, water after training was like spice. You felt Ben’s presence brush against yours and you went to greet him, but he was already hustling towards the huts and didn’t stop, even when you called his name.

“What the brix?” The question was really to yourself, but that never stopped people from butting into your business before.

“Oh, he’s got it bad for you,” Jannik quipped, suddenly next to you.

“What are you on about now?” you asked, too exhausted from your workout to deal with whatever he was saying.

“Come on, I know you’re not that stupid.”

“Can you get on with whatever you’re trying to say or move along?” you asked, taking another needed sip of water.

“Come on, everyone knows he’s practically in love with you.”

Water shot out of your mouth and nose and you suddenly couldn’t draw a proper breathe in, having sucked water into your lungs. Jannik instantly patted your back and asked if you were all right.

“I-I’m f-fine,” you sputtered, eventually gaining the ability to breathe again.

“Did you seriously not know?” he asked, incredulous.

“There’s nothing to know,” you croaked, risking another sip of water. “We’re just friends.”

“Yeah, friends who get hot and bothered when you argue.”

“ _What?_ ” It was your turn to sound incredulous.

“You didn’t notice how he was shifting around during training? You had to have.”

You grabbed Jannik’s arm, much to his loud objection, and dragged him away from any prying ears.

“Of course I noticed,” you hissed. “But, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Wow…you really are oblivious,” he said and you punched his shoulder, hard.

“Ow! Well, you are—Wait!” he exclaimed, holding his hands up as you raised your fist to land another blow.

“I’m sorry! Listen,” he said, waiting for your hand to lower. Reluctantly, you did lower it and then gestured for him to continue.

“Look, I’ve hid many a boners before—“

“ _Jannik!_ ”

“Well, I have! And trust me, that’s exactly what Ben was doing out there.”

“He was _not_. Besides, even if he was how do you know that has anything to do with me?”

“Because I saw how he looked at you. And when you moaned into that water bottle,” Jannik gave a low whistle, “he booked it to the huts.”

That would explain why he bolted just after that—no. What were you saying? Maybe Ben had feelings for you when you were both young and naïve, but now? It just wasn’t a possibility. You’d shut down any hope for that before you’d left.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” you deflected.

“Ask anyone and they’ll tell you the same thing,” he insisted and you scoffed.

“I don’t need to ask anyone else’s opinion about my friendship, but thanks for the tip,” you replied sardonically and placed a hand on his shoulder before turning away.

“Come on, Y/N!” he called after you.

“I’ll see you at dinner!” you called back.

You laughed off his comments on your way to your hut. He doesn’t know Ben like you did, so who was he to tell you what he felt—hell, you didn’t even know what he was feeling most of the time.

But he was right that Ben was acting strange, and you needed to figure out why. You’d ask him at dinner, you decided. Right now you were in desperate need of a shower.

Dinner finally came and you went to your and Ben’s usual spot with a full plate of food. After today’s training you were famished and you didn’t wait for Ben to arrive before chowing down on what tasted like the most delicious meal you’ve ever had in your life. It wasn’t until you were almost done with said meal that you noticed Ben still hadn’t shown up. You pushed yourself up in your seat and looked around the cafeteria, hoping to spot that bushy head of black hair, but you didn’t see him. You slumped in your chair and pouted. Ben has never missed a dinner with you.

When it was nearly time for dinner to be over, you’d given up hope that he was going to arrive and had planned to wrap something for him to go, but then you finally saw him come through the doorway, Luke at his side. Your shoulders sagged in relief that Ben was okay, but why was Luke holding him up? He has always emphasized the importance of showing up on time to meal times so this was very out of the ordinary.

“Hey,” you said as Ben finally came to sit at your normal spot, looking disgruntled. “What were you doing with Luke?”

Ben gave you an unhelpful shrug. “He needed to talk to me about something.”

“Well, what was it?”

“If he wanted you to know he would’ve told you, wouldn’t he have?” He snapped.

You recoiled at his retort and you felt as though you had been punched in the gut. Your first instinct was to press and see what the other man was feeling, but you quickly realized he had shut you out completely.

You pushed away from the table. “Fine, I’m sorry I waited up for you.”

Without waiting for a response, you made your way to the exit of the cafeteria, thrusting the doors open with the Force. Hot tears pricked at your eyes but you refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry because of him. You needed the sanctuary of your hut for assurance that you wouldn’t be disturbed.

“That, half-witted, nerd herder,” you spat, flopping yourself down angrily on your bed.

You let the warm tears slip down your face now, frantically wiping them away as if it would stop them from coming. You wished that you wouldn’t cry so easily, that a boy snapping at you wouldn’t cause you to crumble.

But, Ben wasn’t just any boy was he?

You relentlessly tossed and turned that night, desperate for rest. You just wanted to sleep and not have Jannik’s words flying around in your head. His comments shouldn’t have bothered you as much as they did but the thought of Ben having feelings for you turned your stomach into knots and you couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Ben’s words had also made residence in your head and you kept wondering what it was that had caused him to snap at you like that and what was it that Luke and him had been talking about.

Had you done something wrong?

The cover of your hut was suddenly thrust open and you instinctively reached for your lightsaber. You relaxed when you realized who it was.

“I can feel your anxiety from my hut,” Ben grumbled, making his way into your hut and coming over to the left side of your bed. He looked at you expectantly and you stared back at him blankly before he made a scoot-over gesture with his hands and you wordlessly complied, letting his large frame into the bed and under the covers with you.

“What are you doing?” you asked in a whisper and pulled the covers up higher to cover your body that was scantily clad in only your under garments.

“This is the only way either of us will get sleep. Unless you have a better idea?”

You were silent. You were inclined to agree with him, after all this had always worked when you were kids. But, after the way he treated you today? You weren’t going to just let him comfort you like nothing was wrong.

“I don’t want you here if you’re just going to be a dick.”

Ben stared at you without a response.

“Fine,” you retorted and started to push him out of the bed with the Force.

“I’m sorry,” he said almost so quiet that you missed it.

You stopped pushing. “What was that?”

Ben sighed. “I said, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

“Are you going to tell me why you snapped at me?”

“I let my uncle get under my skin.”

“What did he say?”

Ben hesitated. “I really don’t want to talk about it,” he answered honestly.

“Well, that’s all you had to say,” you replied, shoving him softly. “I would’ve understood.”

“I know, I…I’m sorry,” he repeated and you knew he meant it.

You looked into his dark eyes in the pale light and communicated your forgiveness without even having to open your mouth.

“Are you going to tell me why you were acting strange after training?” 

You felt him tense beside you and he turned his gaze down. “What are you talking about?”

“Look, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but it’s not like you to just bolt and not even say bye.”

“I just…” He cleared his throat awkwardly. You reached forward and grabbed his hand above the covers and his eyes flew up, surprised.

“I just want to be sure you’re okay, Ben,” you said earnestly. You didn’t want to press too much and make him retreat, but he needed to know that you were there for him.

He smiled that smile that fills your chest with warmth. “I promise, I’m okay. I was just in a rush to take a shower.”

You almost joked about the fact that Jannik thought he had a boner, but you thought better of it. After all, there’s a good chance Jannik was right, just not about the part that the boner was because of you.

“What if Master Luke catches us?” you asked, back to the original topic.

“I’ll wake up just before sunrise and leave,” he answered simply.

You chuckled softly. “You haven’t changed at all have you?”

He raised a brow at you. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“As kids, you would always come lay with me if I couldn’t sleep.”

When you both were little and your thoughts got too loud for your head, you would sneak over to Han and Leia’s to find comfort in Ben’s bed. When his strength in the Force grew, he started to be able to sense when you were upset and he began coming to you when you needed him. His Force presence next to you always had a way of silencing the noise in your head.

On the other side, sometimes—a lot— Han and Leia would be fighting late into the night and Ben would sneak over to Luke’s hut to climb into bed with you. The first few times this happened, Han and Leia were worried Ben had run away, but then Luke would always come knocking on the door with little Ben hiding behind his legs.

If the voices in tiny Ben’s mind got too loud, either you would sense his turmoil and come to him or he would scurry over to you and vise versa. It was honestly a good system the two of you had and Han and Leia debated just making the guest room into your room, but Luke didn’t like the idea. He was over protective in that way, not that he could be blamed, given your past.

“Well, you obviously haven’t changed either if I’m still having to do this,” Ben teased and you rolled your eyes.

“Goodnight, Ben,” you said through a giggle and he smiled softly.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

When you woke up, Ben was gone, like he had said, but the other side of your bed still smelt like him. You took a whiff of the pillow he’d slept on and smiled.

He really hasn’t changed at all.


	4. Softest Bed in the Galaxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am once again apologizing for the late update. This chapter is a bit long in my defense but it also takes me a while to fine tune things and then I get more ideas and then I want to add more blah blah you guys don’t care but I really hope you enjoy this chapter! Please leave kudos if you do! I love reading your guys’s comments as well! 
> 
> Warnings: Drug use

You knew that Luke would be pestering you soon to get up, so, reluctantly, you threw the blanket off your body and left your warm bed to go find your robes for the day. It was a somewhat chilly day so you decided to wear one of your heavier sets of robes, a grey one that Leia had gifted you, and you quickly reached out to the Force and brought your saber to your awaiting hand. You looked in the mirror, planning to give yourself a good once over before going to see Ben, but anxiety pooled in your stomach at the thought of what he would think of your appearance. Would he think the robes were ugly? Would he hate your two messy buns that were very clearly not brushed through? What would he think of the dark circles under your eyes?

You sat in front of the mirror for a good minute before groaning and forcing yourself to turn away. You could fixate all day if you let yourself and you weren’t even sure what you were so worried about. Ben was your best friend and you’ve never worried about how he thought you looked before—not since a long time ago, anyway—so what was the issue now?

You threw open the flap to your hut and were greeted by the bright sun, causing you to instantly squint your eyes as you attempted to see what everyone was doing. Voe and Tai were practicing forms nearby, the former actually giving a rare smile, and Jannik was reading a book in the grass a little bit past them. Everyone else was either in the cafeteria or still mustering the strength to get up and start the day. A whistle in the distance brought your attention to your left and you saw Ben waving at you in the field a few yards away.

You giggled and thought briefly that he looked adorable huddled in his colder weather robes.

“I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up,” Ben said once you made your way over.

You rolled your eyes. “Not all of us woke up to sneak out of someone else’s hut at the crack of dawn.”

“Would you rather I stayed?” He teased and handed you a wrapped biscuit.

You cleared your throat and took the biscuit from him. “Even if I did, you know how Master Luke would’ve reacted.”

“I was kidding,” he said, giving you an odd look. You swallowed nervously and suddenly found the sight of your biscuit very interesting. That familiar anxiety found residence in your chest again.

“Yeah, uh, I know. I was just saying,” you replied lamely and prayed that he would just look away from you. He quickly did, not a fan of social awkwardness himself.

“So, are you ready for me to kick your ass tomorrow?” he asked, thankfully changing the subject.

You snorted. “Big talk for a man who’s lost to me the last two times we sparred.”

“Not this time, honey.”

Your cheeks flamed at the nickname and you could only chuckle nervously as you unwrapped your biscuit.

“You know I hate it when you call me that,” you mumbled and he grinned.

“That’s exactly why I do it, honey.”

He was so infuriating sometimes.

“Whatever. If it makes you feel like a big man to patronize me—“

“You’re so dramatic, Y/N.”

“Oh, coming from you, the most dramatic man alive?”

“ _Me_? Dramatic?” he asked incredulously, bringing a hand to his chest in offense. You couldn’t help but note how much he looked like his father.

“Mhm,” you hummed, taking a bite out of your biscuit with a grin.

Ben chuckled softly. “I don’t know where you get your delusions.”

You both made the trek over to the nearby lake that you had made a habit of going to every morning. It was just a nice and peaceful way to start the day as you watched the waterfowl feed their young and splash around.

The local flora kissed your ankles as you drew closer to the lake. The yard wasn’t tended to this far away from the temple so the grass was allowed to grow free and tall. You actually like it better grown out; it being allowed to grow freely with no influence from anyone else, namely the Jedi. Though, maybe you were just projecting.

There was a lone bench on the side of the lake that you and Ben had silently claimed for your own. It was a bit rotted and discolored, but it supported both your weights and that’s all you really needed. The lake was in a dip in the field and the tall edges blocked out any evidence of the temple even being here and it was relaxing to just forget about all of it, if only for an hour.

You giggled in delight as one of the birds waddled over to you, eager for what you had to offer. The tri-colored bird honked impatiently as you riffled through your pockets.

“Alright, alright,” you laughed and finally retrieved the seeds. “Here you go.”

The bird chirped happily as it pecked at the seeds that you threw to the ground, bringing the attention of the other birds. Suddenly, they were all waddling towards you with hungry eyes

Ben laughed. “They’re gonna swarm you.”

Panicking, you tossed the seeds far to the left and, luckily, they went for the seeds instead of your toes. You sighed in relief and looked back at the original bird, continuing to peck away happily as if nothing had happened.

You both ate your breakfast in silence, enjoying the beautiful lake before you. A fish jumped in the distance, followed by a few more, before the water went calm again. You wondered if they were escaping a predator below the murky depths.

“Do you have any more seeds?” Ben broke the silence.

“Uh, yeah,” you answered, fishing in your pocket for the remaining seeds. Ben took them and went in the direction of the pecking birds, but ignored them for a scrawny bird on the outskirts of the swarm. It kept trying to get some of the seeds but was continuously pecked and squawked at, unable to get any. You figured the feathers out of place all over it’s body was from other birds pecking at it.

Squatting in front of it, he offered his hand full of seeds for the neglected bird and it cautiously approached him. It looked up at Ben’s face and you watch as he gave it a comforting smile, letting the bird know it was okay to trust him.

Your cheeks rose in temperature and you had to look away to stop the butterflies that were beginning to swarm in your belly. He was just so _good_ and it made you want to do things to him that a good Jedi wouldn’t. Besides the obvious images that run through your head whenever Ben stretched up and his shirt slipped up just enough for you to see his sharp hip bones or when his pants were just a little too tight, you also struggled with ideas of you laying together late at night, holding each other in the middle of the night like it was the easiest thing in the world. It was almost overwhelming at times how much you wanted to hug him, how much you wanted to just hold him and be held by him for the rest of your life, and how much, honestly, you wanted to kiss him until he felt no more pain. But, you can’t do that when you’re trying to be a good Jedi, not that you have much of a choice.

You waited until Ben came back over the bench to turn your gaze away from the lake and back at your friend. That’s all he was after all: a friend.

A friend, a friend, a friend....

He smiled at you before throwing an arm around you and sighing. “I wish we could just sit here all day and not go to training.”

You planted a grin on your face and leaned on his shoulder. “Me too.”

You tried to ignore the butterflies that flurried at his words.

“Thank you...for last night, I mean,” you said after a minute, eyes cast down at the bird below you. It was weird to thank your best friend for spending the night with you with you were both over twenty.

“It’s no problem,” Ben replied as casually as he could manage, but you could tell he felt the awkwardness as well.

You were both silent for a minute, each chewing on your respective biscuits, until you couldn’t take it anymore.

“I—I’m sorry,” you blurted. “I made things weird, bringing it up. I shouldn’t have—“

“It’s fine, Y/N,” he interrupted and you clamped your mouth shut. You internally smacked yourself as you somehow managed to make things worse.

“It was a one-time thing,” he continued and took another bite. “No big deal.”

Your heart sunk in your chest and you quickly put the walls up in your mind so he couldn’t see inside. You don’t know why the prospect of it never happening again filled you with such sorrow, but it did, and you realized all you wanted was for it to happen every night. Maybe it was just because this was the first night in a while that you were actually able to sleep soundly through the night.

“Yeah,” you said with a clearly forced laugh. “A one time thing.”

Ben gave you a strange look and looked ready to question you until a saving grace in the form of Jannik appeared.

“Hey! What are you guys doing?” Jannik yelled across the lake and began striding towards your place on the bench.

Ben pulled his arm away from around your shoulder and settled for crossing them across his chest, causing you to frown at the loss of warmth. He was clearly irritated by their new visitor, and while you were grateful your awkward conversation had been interrupted, you too shared these sentiments as you enjoyed these mornings with Ben.

“Just feeding the birds,” you answered, plastering a smile on your face when Jannik arrived.

“Sorry, did I interrupt something?” He asked cheekily, pointing between the two of you. Both of you shifted to put some distance between each other.

“No, Jannik,” you sighed, no longer grateful for your intruder. Now, you just wanted to go back to you and Ben’s relaxing morning, awkward question or no.

“Great!” he interrupted and went to sit between the two of you and you felt Ben’s anger flare before feeling his walls go up and your frown returned with a vengeance.

“I love nature,” Jannik sighed, throwing his arms over the backrest of the bench.

You and Ben sighed in union. The ambiance of this beautiful morning had been shattered and now you were both sitting in strained silence until you found a way out of this. 

You couldn’t help your startled jump when Ben suddenly got to his feet. His face was scrunched up in discomfort and you could see the tips of his ears that were poking out of his scruffy hair were tinged red.

“There’s a book I needed to find,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact. “I, uh, have to go.”

“Ben!” you attempted to call after him but he was already scurrying off towards the library.

You glowered at the remaining man. “Real nice, Jannik,” you snapped, standing and snatching up your biscuit trash.

“Hey, what did I do now?”

“I get one hour, _one hour_ , every morning where Ben and I can relax by the lake and it’s just us and he’s _open with me_ and you just cut it short by—“ You checked your watch. ”—twenty minutes.”

“I’m s—“

“And, you know, he’s the only one here who really understands me here. I mean, you and Hellixia try your best but you’ll never—“

“Okay, hurtful.”

“Sorry if that was harsh, I just—“

“No, I’m sorry,” he started and grabbed your arm. You turned your gaze of discontent into him. “I didn’t realize how important these mornings were for you.”

“Well they are,” you snapped, pulling your arm away, and still feeling the anger hot in your belly.

“I’m sorry, let me make it up to you.”

You scoffed. “Oh, yeah? How?”

“We’re gonna go smoke some Savorium herb tonight,” Jannik practically sung.

Your face instantly perked up. “Really?”

“See.” He elbowed you in the rib lightly. “I told you I could make it up to you.”

You stubbornly crossed your arms across your chest. “I didn’t say I wasn’t still mad at you.”

“It was implied,” he replied with a toothy grin. “I’m assuming you’re bringing Ben?”

He pumped his eyebrows suggestively.

“Yeah, that thing about still being mad at you—“

“I’m just asking a simple question.”

“Obviously, I’m bringing Ben,” you replied with a shove. “But, that doesn’t mean anything, we’re just friends...best friends.”

You hated how small and melancholiac your voice sounded at the last addition.

Jannik’s face suddenly turned serious, his signature goofy grin now gone. “You know I’m just trying to look out for you, right?”

His green eyes were sincere and you had to look away from his intense gaze. No matter how hard Luke and your former master had tried, it was still hard for you to accept that people actually cared and that their help was genuine.

“I—I know,” you muttered, kicking a bit at the grass below you.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

That statement hit harder than he probably intended it to. The biggest reason, besides the Jedi rules, you were hesitant to admit your feelings to Ben was the thought of soul-crushing rejection, and even worse, if he says yes, and you both end up damaging each other beyond repair and lose each other forever. You don’t think you could survive losing Ben again. It took you long enough to to put yourself back together the first time.

“I’ll be fine,” you said, throwing on a reassuring, tight-lipped smile. “But, thank you, Jannik”

Jannik just shook his head with a scoff, looking to the sky almost in disbelief. “Whatever you say, L/N”

He began to walk back towards the direction of the temple. “We’re meeting in the clearing at ten!”

Ten. One hour after lights out.

Today was mostly private training with Luke, so you didn’t get a chance to see Ben until right before dinner.

Of course, you found him in the library looking for more calligraphy books, his eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to locate a certain book.

“A bunch of us are getting together to smoke some Savorium herb at ten if you want to come.”

“No thanks,” he replied immediately.

“Come on, Ben. It’ll be fun!” you sang.

Ben snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure being around our obnoxious classmates while they’re high out of their minds will be fun.”

“But, we’ll also be high out of our minds. Trust me it’s good stuff.”

He raised an eyebrow at you. “How would you know?”

“I’m not a prude, Ben. I’ve tried it a few times over the years.”

Ben huffed and turned back to the bookshelf, continuing to scan the rows.

“Please come,” you pleaded, flashing him your best Loth-cat eyes. He didn’t even have to look to know what you were doing and he threw his head back in a groan.

“Fine, but if my night is ruined I’m blaming you,” he said and pointed a finger at you.

“Fair enough,” you said, raising your hands in surrender with a grin.

He rolled his eyes and turned back to the shelf, finally finding the book he needed and pulling it from the shelf.

He put the book under his arm and gave you a half-hearted glare. “You’re the worst, you know that?”

“Oh, _sorry_ , I want my best friend to be carefree for a night.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see if this drug can actually make me ‘carefree’. I’ll believe it when I feel it.”

The temperature had been steadily increasing throughout the day, leading to a warm night that reminded you of Naboo summer nights.

At a little past ten, Ben showed up at your hut and quietly knocked outside of it. You instantly peeled back the tarp and noticed he looked a bit taken aback by your appearance.

You had forsaken your typical Jedi robes for a sleeveless shirt and tight black leggings. You suppose it clung to your body a bit more than he’d be used to, but didn’t think it was worthy of the look his was giving you.

“What?” you asked with a awkward giggle. Ben shook his head and brought his head back up to meet his gaze with yours.

“Nothing,” he said, clearing his throat nervously, throwing on a mask of casualness. “I just can’t wait for this night to be over with.”

You rolled your eyes. “If you go into it with that attitude then you are going to have a bad time.”

“Ah, yes, you and the ‘power of positive thinking’.”

“Yes, and it works! You just refuse to try it.”

You didn’t have to look to know that he was rolling his eyes.

“You just sound like my uncle.”

You flinched a little at that. You hated when he compared you to Luke as that’s all people have been doing your whole life, especially here at the Jedi temple.

“Maybe a little. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong,” you ended up mumbling.

As you walked in mostly silence the rest of the way to the clearing, you couldn’t stop thinking about the look Ben had given you. It wasn’t the look itself that was really bothering you as much as it was the fact that you _liked_ it, you liked it a lot and you couldn’t get it out of your head. The warmth in your cheeks had yet to fade and it felt as if the butterflies in your belly were trying to escape through your abdomen.

At last, you reached the clearing in the woods and found Jannik beginning to roll the leaves into some sort of rolling paper on a log bench. There were a few log bunches circled around the campfire in the center and Voe and Helixia were sitting on the one across from Jannik, the latter rambling excitedly about something while Voe looking on in disinterest.

“Y/N, Ben, you made it!” Jannik exclaimed excitedly, getting the attention of Helixia, much to Voe’s relief. She squealed in excitement and rushed over to the two of you. You both tried to hide your cringe at the sound.

“Hey, Helixia,” you greeted with a smile and her smile brightened even more.

“You wouldn’t think that the Master’s nephew and protégé would make good party guests! But, I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover.”

You thought you heard Voe mumble something that sounded like, “We’ll see.”

Ben must’ve heard it too because he tensed next to you and you looked down to see his fists were clenched at his sides.

“Come on,” you said, pulling his arm to go over to Jannik and away from Voe’s comments. Helixia followed behind happily, oblivious to what had just happened. Perhaps she had already took a few hits, or perhaps that really was just Helixia’s nature, to not notice those things. You wondered for a moment if you’d be better off with that trait.

“Just ignore her,” you said.

“It’s just everything she says seems like it’s meant to infuriate me.”

You scoffed. “It’s Voe, it’s what she does.”

A few more people came, surprisingly, including Tai, and soon everyone was sitting on the log benches discussing miscellaneous things amongst different groups.

“Alright,” Jannik announced, standing on of the benches, “who here has smoked before?”

A majority of classmates raised their hands, save for Ben and Tai, no surprises there. You couldn’t see in the lowlight, but you just knew the tips of Ben’s ears were pink.

You reflexively placed a hand on his thigh to try and relax him. There was nothing wrong with this, in fact it’s what you would do to most friends to help them relax, but when Ben leapt at the touch you started overthinking the gesture. You jerked away as if you’d been burnt, awkwardly crossing your arms across your chest and trying to ignore Ben’s eyes boring into your skull.

Why were things so different with Ben? Why was it that a gesture as simple as touching his thigh sent a tingle up your arm from when you’d made contact? Why were you feeling things Jedi were not meant to feel?

“Okay, okay, so we have some newbies. How about I let you guys take the first hit?”

“Jannik,” you warned.

“What?” he asked in innocence.

“Don’t make him do it in front of everyone.”

“Why? It’s practically a right of passage to have everyone watch.”

“It’s not, it sucks and he doesn’t want to that.”

“Why don’t you ask him what he wants to do?” Someone piped up in the crowd, looking overly interested. Everyone wanted to see the Great Ben Solo explode into a fit of coughs and smoke and you weren’t having it.

“You just want to embarrass him—“

“Maybe you should stop being an over protective girlfriend—“

“ _Excuse me_?”

“Enough,” Ben’s voice boomed and everyone instantly got quiet. “I’ll do it, I don’t care.”

“Ben—“

“I’m not a child,” he snapped at you.

You shrunk away from him. “Alright.”

You knew he’d only snapped at you out of embarrassment, but the hurt still resided in your chest.

You couldn’t wait to be high.

Jannik handed him the rolled leaf and Ben took it hesitantly. If you didn’t already know this was his first time, the way he held it would’ve given it away. He held it delicately as if it might break under this fingers and turned it experimentally in his hand, giving it a good once over.

You watched cautiously as he brought the smoking object to his lips. It did something strange to you, watching the way his lips wrapped around it, and you had to shake your head of the thoughts that began forming.

He breathed in the smoke deeply, before having to pull it out of his mouth as coughs full of smoke started coming out of him. A chorus of laughter rang out around the circle as you patted his back while he wheezed.

Surprisingly, he didn’t seem uncomfortable with everyone laughing at him, and he actually began laughing with them. After the initial shock, you grinned at him and laughed along. You’d forgotten how fast this drug kicked in.

After all taking a few good hits, some only needing one to take effect, you were all very relaxed around the campfire.

“You know,” Ben started, eyes nearly a sliver, “maybe my problem is that I’m not always smoking this.”

He held up the joint for reference and then took another deep drag with a bit of coughing but nothing compared to the first hit.

You giggled. “I agree, but,” you said, taking the joint from him, “I think you’ve had enough.”

Ben attempted to reach for it back but got distracted by something in the air and quickly forgot what he was doing, instead now fascinated by an ember floating by.

You giggled at him and took one last drag before passing it off to the next person.

It’s like the dark cloud that normally loomed over Ben had finally lifted and he could finally just _be_ , at least for the moment.

“It makes everything so much better,” Ben mused and you giggled softly. “Colors are brighter, everything is more beautiful...”

Drifting off, his eyes focused on you now. The look he was giving you would’ve made your knees weak if it weren’t for you already sitting down. It was such an intense gaze and no matter how badly you wanted to look away, you couldn’t.

You were surprised to feel that his walls were completely down for you and you were free to explore his mind. But, you were too scared to, too scared at what you would find and how it would make you feel.

“W-what?” you asked, cursing yourself for sounding so meek.

Reaching up, Ben pushed a strand of hair out of your face and you shivered under his touch. Everything else faded away into static and it was just the two of you, alone in the galaxy.

His eyes briefly flickered down to your lips and you gasped sharply as your chest flushed.

He was looking at you as if you put the stars themselves in the sky and if you could see your face, you knew it would look terrified, terrified that you felt the same way about him.

The moment was shattered by Helixia’s shrill giggling on the other side of the fire and you both ripped your gaze away from each other.

Ben shook his head of his thoughts and suddenly found the fire very fascinating.

“H-hey, give me another hit,” you said shortly after recovering. Bactar handed it to you instantly, most likely seeing the shaken look on your face and knowing you really needed it.

You took a deep drag of the sour tasting herb, wanting nothing more than to not have to think of feelings or Jedi or your future. You just wanted to be numb.

You started to feel the familiar floating sensation of the drug and you heard Bactar say something from what sounded like far away, but when you opened your eyes, you realized he had moved to sit right next to you.

“How you feeling, Ben?” Bactar leaned around you to ask.

It looked like Ben wanted to answer, but the thought got lost before it could make it to his mouth and he instead closed his eyes with a content chuckle.

“I think we’ve converted him,” you giggled.

“Yes, come to the dark side, Ben,” Bactar taunted, “we have cookies.”

You would’ve criticized him for the phrasing if your mouth didn’t instantly water at the plastic case of assorted cookies that he presented.

“Bactar, I think I love you,” you blurted out and leaned forward to grab two—okay, maybe four—cookies.

He guffawed. “Don’t let Ben hear you say that.”

“Hm?” Ben questioned, mouth already full of cookie.

You moaned boisterously into the first bite of cookie. “This is the best cookie ever made!” You exclaimed, fully confident and with a full mouth.

Laughter broke out around you, including Ben’s, and he nearly choked on the cookie that had grabbed and instantly shoved in his mouth.

You’re sure something did happen between the cookies and the next moment when Ben’s head was in your lap, but you couldn’t quite remember it. All you knew is you were stroking the softest hair in the galaxy and Ben was _leaning into_ it.

“What do you use on your hair, Ben? It’s so kriffing _soft_ ,” you exclaimed, pulling on his hair slightly to have a closer look.

Jannik leaned in, interest peaked. “I’ve been wondering the same thing for months now.”

Ben began laughing—practically giggling—from his spot on your lap. “People have been asking for years and I’ve never told them.”

“But, _why_?”

“Because—“ He broke off to laugh some more and you lightly jolted your leg to shove into him.

“Because what?” you pressed.

“Because...well, it’s kind of embarrassing...I don’t want anyone to have my secret to great hair.”

Your mouth fell open and you stared down at him. “Ben, that’s ridiculous.”

“I _know_ , that’s why it’s so f-funny!” His shoulders shook uncontrollably with his roaring laughter and he nearly fell off of your lap.

“Alright,” you said with a giggle, “As fun as this has been—“ You broke off as you had to prevent him from tumbling to the ground. “—we’re gonna go to bed.”

“Oh, come on,” Bactar insisted. “Stay a little longer.”

You gave him a look that told him there was no chance and pulled Ben up, wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

“Um, you guys might not, but Ben and I have a sparring match tomorrow and we need to actually sleep. Besides, someone needs to take him to his hut before he embarrasses himself any further.”

“But, we love this Ben! And he still hasn’t told us his hair secret!” Jannik called after you.

You ignored the rest of your classmates as they joined in with objections and threw up a wave when you began to walk away from the clearing with bringing your shoulder down a whole foot.

Ben attempted a wave as well, but it was more of a dismissing gesture than anything.

“Yeah, I think you took one hit too many,” you quipped. You were still feeling the effects of the herb, though certainly not to the extent that Ben was, but the effects where now coming in waves and at the moment you were feeling pretty okay. You were in no position to be flying a starfighter, but you had enough confidence to get you both back to each other’s respective huts without a problem.

The two of you finally reached the huts as soon as a wave of the herb’s euphoria hit you hard and suddenly you needed to lean on Ben for support instead of the other way around. Luckily, he was able to support you and you felt the vibrations in his chest as he chuckled next to you.

Smiling, you nuzzled closer to him. His chest was always so warm and smelt like him. It felt like home.

He led you over to your hut and set you down on your bed. You nearly thought he’d taken you to a luxury hotel, because this was the best bed you had ever had the pleasure of laying in.

“This is literally the most comfortable bed in the galaxy,” you sighed, spreading yourself around the sheets in relaxation.

You heard Ben snort and then you felt the bed dip next to you and you were surprised to see him getting under the covers, shirt already off.

“W-what are you doing?” you slurred, heart beginning to pick up speed.

Ben ignored you. “You’re right, this _is_ the most comfortable bed in the world.”

“Ben,” you insisted, even inebriated you knew this was not a good idea.

He shrugged and waved you off. “I don’t feel like walking all the way to my hut, so we might as well.”

You debated with yourself. He was obviously only agreeing to this because of his intoxication and what kind of friend would you be to take advantage of that? Then again, you were also intoxicated and the thought of being in Ben’s warm arms filled you with a warmth you couldn’t deny yourself. You decided to just let the pieces fall where they may and let whatever the Force had in store for you to work itself out.

But, you were keeping on your clothes.

You looked back over at him to see he was already gazing at you with a lazy grin on his face.

“What?” you asked with a giggle.

“If you would’ve told fourteen year old me that eight years from then I would be sharing a bed with Y/N, I would’ve said you were crazy.”

You giggled loudly as your cheeks flared. “Same here.”

If you weren’t under the influence, this conversation would’ve caused your heart to sink all the way to your stomach and you’d probably have to leave to tent before your cheeks became fiery warm. But now, with both of you being guided into a state of euphoria with Savorium herb, you couldn’t be happier with the current topic. After all, you had the freedom to say all the things you couldn’t when you were sober, right?

You really knew you shouldn’t, but you herb infused mind had different ideas and you opened your mouth to speak.

“Hey, Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember when your mom took us to Naboo?” you slurred, prying your eyes open with immense effort.

Why were you bringing this up? You should _not_ be bringing this up. But, your mouth didn’t get the message to stop, so you kept going.

Ben stayed silent for a moment, staring at the ceiling.

“Ben?”

He finally seemed to come back to his senses. “Uh, yeah, I remember.”

“And we snuck off to the lake to avoid that _boring_ dinner.”

“Mhm,” he agreed, closing his eyes with a smile.

“The waves were so pretty that night...we were so happy...I wish every night could be like that...”

You let your eyes close as your mind went back to that day; you could almost taste...

“Me too,” you heard him say from what sounded like terribly far way.

You were too intoxicated to grasp what he was really saying to you and you felt your consciousness slipping by the second. The last thing you felt was Ben’s beautiful presence glowing next to you and you wanted to call out but the thick blanket of sleep was too all consuming.

Your dreams were about Naboo waters and fumbling hands. A secret kiss that you swore to never talk about and a few more kisses just because the temptation was too much after having had a taste.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night's confession brings trouble the following day

The first thing your consciousness was aware of was how dry your mouth was, as if someone had stuck a wad of cotton inside of it. The next was that a warm, heavy arm was wrapped around you from behind. Lastly, the bright light behind your eyelids registered and you realized it was much too late for you to have a bed guest. Last night came flooding back to you and you threw your eyes open with a gasp.

“Kriff,” you swore and turned to shoot a panicked look at Ben.

He groaned in response, burying his face further into the pillow. You sat up, flinching at the pounding headache that was drilling into your skull. His arm slid down your body and ended up resting on the thigh opposite of him. It felt as if it singed a mark in your leg and you had to rip your eyes away to focus on the task at hand.

“Ben!” you whispered, shaking his form. He groaned once more and waved you off.

“Ben, we slept in, you have to go _now_!”

After a second, his eyes too flew open. “Shit.”

“Yeah, shit.”

“Well, shit, what do we do?” he asked, pushing himself up. He pulled his hand from your thigh and brought it up to his head with a groan as his headache too made an appearance, seeming to not notice its previous location. You were just grateful you could focus now.

You looked around the room frantically as if something in it would give you an idea.

“Put your shirt on! Pretend you were in here to wake me up!” you commanded, starting to push him out of the bed.

“Okay, I got it! I got it!” he hissed, pushing you away from him. Dark, puffy circles rimmed his under eyes and he squinted against the bright sunlight coming into the hut as he looked around the floor for his shirt.

“Ben?” You heard Luke call from a few yards away, just as Ben was pulling his head through his shirt and you both met your frantic gazes with each other.

“Ben are you in there?” Luke asked, now outside your hut and you quickly set your head on your pillow and shut your eyes.

“Yeah—“ Ben cut himself off when he realized how horse his voice sounded. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “Yeah, I’m here to wake Y/N up.”

You heard the flap of your hut get thrust open and footsteps coming inside.

“She couldn’t get up herself?” Luke asked, voice laced with suspicion.

Ben was quiet for a moment and you almost began to panic.

“She seems to be a bit lazy today.”

You internally rolled your eyes and reminded yourself to give him a good snack later.

There was a pause. “She has been known to be lazy.”

Ben chuckled softly, but you could hear the nerves in it. You just hoped Luke couldn’t.

You decided it was time for you to join in on the charade. “I’m not lazy, I just didn’t sleep well,” you groaned and pried your eyes open.

You looked around at Ben and then over to Luke. “Why are there so many males in my hut?”

“Because, for some reason, we need a damn parade to get you out of bed,” Luke snarked with a playful smirk.

“Ha ha.”

You looked over to Ben who, in turn, looked over to you and then you were just a couple of idiots staring at each other. His throat bulbed as he gulped nervously and a flush began to steadily rise from his chest. 

“Okay, well, I’m up now can you guys leave so I can get dressed?” You finally broke the tension and he ducked his head, cheeks surely flaming.

“Yeah, sorry, I—yeah.” And with that he was scurrying out of your hut as if a fire had been lit inside. Luke followed him with his eyes and then turned to you, back to being suspicious.

“Ben’s being a bit strange today isn’t he?” he questioned.

“I mean, when is Ben not strange?” you asked and rubbed the back of your neck with a chuckle.

“Fair point.”

He continued to stare you down, hoping for you to break and confess what Ben was doing in your hut but you stood your ground firmly and kept a straight face.

You cleared your throat after a few seconds. “If you’d excuse me, I’d like to get dressed _alone_.”

Luke stared at you a second longer before giving you a tight-lipped smile.

“Of course. Hurry up, though, your and Ben’s sparing match is in an hour.”

You sighed deeply. The thought of sparring after this only increased your headache. And it was with Ben, who you’dbasically confessing your feelings for last night.

Did you really mean what you said?

Did he?

Maybe you needed this sparring match to get out your frustration. After all, you normally felt better after sparring, especially with Ben, and maybe he didn’t remember and it won’t be as awkward as you think.

You raised your arms to pull down some of your lighter robes and you caught a whiff of your underarms. Cringing, you realized you should take a shower before doing anything.

You rushed over to the temple with your clean robes and some soap, ignoring Jannik’s taunting.

“Same clothes as yesterday? Rough night?”

You reached the refresher and quickly turned on the water. Instantly, you wished you weren’t in a rush so you could spend more time in the soothing warm water. But, you’d slipped up and slept in too late and now you had to quickly scrub down most of your body before having to rush back to the training grounds. You had time for a little introspection though.

What would you do if Ben asked you about last night? You wondered to yourself as you ran your soap covered loofah over your underarms. 

Well, that depended on what he asked. You couldn’t continue the train of thought from last night though, no matter how tempting it was. It was dangerous enough that you had brought up the kiss, but the fact that you said you wished it would happen again? And he agreed? Too dangerous.

Perhaps you would pretend you had no clue what he was talking about. No, no, that would be cruel.

He had been more affected by the herb than you had, maybe he won’t even remember the conversation. But, you would. You would remember him agreeing to wanting every night to be like that night of the kiss...and the dream you had of Naboo, and then the next dream of you both doing more than kissing in your bed at the temple. You would know.

As your soapy hands grazed over your breasts, you remembered a certain part of your dream, and how much you wished that dream could be true. Your breath hitched as you remembered how his large hands ran over the curve of your hips and dipped down further, going under your undergarments. Oh, how you moaned for him.

You remembered this morning, and how his hand had felt like it seared a mark into your thigh as it fell onto it. The excitement you had felt at waking up to him next to you, and, oh, how you wished you could start every morning like that…

You groaned in frustration and quickly scrubbed the rest of your body clean, ignoring any further flashbacks. Forcibly shutting off the water and reluctantly leaving your warm sanctity, you grabbed your towel from the warmer by the sink and quickly wrapped the warm fabric around you before you could get a chill from the cool air around you.

If you closed your eyes you could pretend you were in his warm embrace once more.

Opening your eyes with a sigh, you grabbed your clothes off the counter with a melancholic disposition, wishing you could live in the fantasy world forever.

But, your imaginations had to remain just that. Imaginations.

You had enough trouble as it is being what’s considered a “good” jedi. Adding a crush on your master’s nephew wasn’t going to help anything.

Quickly throwing on your robes, you readied yourself for what was to come. If he didn’t mention it, great, but if he did...you had no idea what you were going to say.

You took a second in the refresher to scream into your hands in frustration, hoping nobody was close enough to hear you through the walls. This all just felt so juvenile and you hated it.

Angrily throwing the door open with a flick of your wrist and the Force, you stomped out of the refresher and toward your doom.

“You took a shower?” Ben asked in confusion, observing your wet hair as you approached the training grounds.

“Trust me, I needed it,” you replied, taking a seat in front of him and beginning to plaid your hair behind you.

Ben sighed and came behind you, calloused hands stopping your own. “Here, let me do it.”

“I can do it.”

“Yeah, but I do it so much better,” he teased and swatted your hands away.

You pulled your hands back. “Fine.”

You felt his soft chuckle on the back of your neck and couldn’t help the shudder that ran down your spine. If Ben noticed, he didn’t say anything.

Neither of you spoke as he braided your hair into an intricate shape that would rival his mother’s. Normally, you would’ve relished in this activity, the intimacy of it. And, you definitely were, just...not as much as usual.

His gentle fingers were careful not to pull too hard on the strands, so that his movements really just felt like soft strokes through your hair, which was impressive given the intricateness of the braid. It was one of the best feelings in the world.

Or at least, it would’ve been, if you weren’t too busy worrying about everything else. 

“I can practically feel your thoughts buzzing in the air,” Ben commented and heat quickly rose to your cheeks.

You huffed out a breathy chuckle. “There’s just...a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

He was quiet for a second and you nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt his hand brush against your wrist. Eyes flickering down, you saw that he was just reaching to get the hair tie from around your wrist and you were instantly embarrassed at your reaction . Again, if Ben noticed your weird behavior, he didn’t comment on it.

He wrapped the hair tie to secure the braid and stepped back to observe his work. Coming back around to face you, he had an easy smile on his face. This was probably the first time in a long time that you’d seen him so...relaxed.

Maybe you should’ve gotten him to smoke sooner.

“Me too.”

“What?” you asked, eyebrows scrunched together.

“I have a lot on my mind too,” Ben replied and tucked a strand of hair that he had missed behind your ear.

“O-oh,” you stuttered and tried to ignore how intense his gaze was. It felt like his thoughts were screaming at you, but you refused to allow him entry to your head, afraid of what he’d see, and what you’d hear if you let his inner voice inside.

“Y/N—“ He started, but broke off as you both felt a familiar presence approaching. You couldn’t tell if you were grateful or resentful of your interruption.

Ben clearly was on the former side of things as he squeezed his eyes shut and let a seething breath out through his teeth.

“I hope you two already did your stretching,” Luke said as he walked up. You and Ben shared a glance and then both turned away with an eye roll.

“We’ll get right on that, Master.”

~

Ben had nearly got you pinned several times now, the air filled with the sounds of your clashing sabers and your grunts of frustration. Sweat dropped down your brow and threatened to fall into your eyes but you didn’t have time to wipe it away as Ben was giving you his all today, and you were giving it right back to him.

But, he was different today. Typically, you could catch him channeling his dark emotions into power and strength, but you weren’t seeing any of that today, in fact you weren’t sensing any dark emotions from him at all, except maybe some anxiety. He still didn’t have his mind completely open to you so the best you could do was guess that what you were feeling from him was anxiety but honestly the thing you most felt was...hope.

You liked seeing him use his happier feelings to motivate him in a fight rather than his negative ones. Of course, most of the time all he felt was negative emotions so he could hardly be blamed for putting them to what he considered to be good use.

Your sabers came together and you were suddenly face to face, the buzzing of your lightsabers clashing being the only thing either of you could hear. The bright light lit up the right side of Ben’s panting face as you attempted to break free of the bind, but were unable too. He continued to push down on his saver, towards your shoulder, taunting you to yield, but you refused and used the Force around you to help push back against his strength. You stared into his dark eyes, pupils blown and intense, and watched as they slowly flickered down to your panting lips, lingering there for a bit too long.

Growling, you twisted your body and broke free of his hold, quickly turning back in anticipation of his next blow. But, he didn’t immediately strike, letting his distractedness get the better of him and you took it as an opportunity to get the upper hand.

You had intended to hook his left leg with your right to knock him down, but he moved at the last second and instead, your right leg hooked around his right leg and you both went tumbling down. You turned to make sure you were on top and you ended up straddling him. Ben fumbled for his weapon but you had yours to his neck before he could get it.

“Who’s the tough guy now, huh?” you asked with a devious smirk.

This was certainly a compromising position, for the both of you. You tried not to think about the fact that what’s underneath his belt was resting right below your core, but it was hard when Ben looked like a school boy discovering holoporn for the first time. His face, glowing in the light of your saber, was flushed as he stared up at you in bewilderment and you were sure it wasn’t just from the fight. Your eyes subconsciously fell to his panting lips and felt electricity flow all over your body, centering in the one area you were trying your damndest not to think about. You knew you wouldn’t have the courage to look back up and meet his gaze, so you turned away, hiding your face. With you distracted, Ben came to his senses and took the chance to knock your saber down and flip you over so now his thighs were resting on either side of your hips while you stared at him in surprise.

“It’s still me,” he snarked, smirking down at you now. He quickly snatched both of your wrists as you tired to push him off you and held them above your head with one of his hands. Summoning his saber with his other hand, he quickly ignited it in victory and gave you a look of challenge. You might’ve been able to do something about this if your mind wasn’t so clouded by the look he was giving you and the fact that you kind of liked that he was able to pin you down so effortlessly.

He smirk grew in size and you worried he could sense your excitement of the situation.

Mortified, you ground your teeth and attempted to squirm out from under him, but it was no use, and his thighs just continued to constrict your hips, careful to keep his core slightly above you as to not allow friction. You refused to meet his eyes and had you been able to you would’ve stomped your foot in frustration.

“Alright, that’s enough, you two.” Luke’s voice broke the illusion of it only being the two of you. Ben stood up and offered his hand to you, which you took gratefully.

You threw your head back and groaned as you stood. “I’m gonna get a lecture for this I just know it.”

“Y/N.” Luke’s voice came closer as he approached you.

“Told you,” you said and Ben gave you a sympathetic smile.

“Y/N, for all intents and purposes, you should have won that sparring match, but you let yourself be distracted.” Your head hung as your defeat replayed in your head.

“Ben, you should’ve anticipated her next movements and not allowed yourself to have been toppled over in the first place.”

“Yes, Master,” Ben sighed reluctantly, looking down at his feet, and Luke fixed him with a look.

“However, you were able to recover from your lapse in judgement and ended up victorious, which is commendable,” Luke replied with a simple smile. Ben eyes peaked up at him through his lashes, eyes full of uncertainty, but you could feel the slightest tremor of happiness in the Force.

“Go to the mediation room and take a few hours to center yourself.”

Ben quickly scuffed his feet in the direction of the mediation room and you went to follow him, but Luke stopped you.

“Y/N, can I talk to you in my hut first?” Luke asked and your heart sank.

“Kriff,” you mumbled under your breath, not loud enough for Luke to hear, but loud enough for Ben to if his humored smirk was any indication.

“See you later,” Ben quipped and you secretly flipped him off.

“Y/N,” Luke’s voice warned—okay, maybe not secretly enough.

“Coming, Master,” you replied and scurried off to him.

Luke put his arm around your waist comfortingly. “There’s just a few things we need to talk about.”

When you arrived at his hut—if it could even be called that, as it was practically an extension of the temple—he gestured to a chair for you to sit on and you gladly did. Without even noticing, you put your feet up on the table comfortably in front of you before looking up to him and seeing his disapproving glare. You slowly took your feet off and set them back on the floor.

“Sorry,” you muttered.

“Would you like some tea?” he asked, going over to his kitchenette.

“Sure.”

He poured some already hot water into two cups. “Do you know why the Jedi are forbidden from forming attachments?”

And there it is. You knew from the moment he spoke up a few minutes ago that this would be the thing he wanted to discuss.

“Because attachments lead to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side,” you answered almost robotically, grumpily testing your cheek on your hand. You’d heard this lecture enough to last a life time.

“Precisely,” Luke commented and brought over two cups of tea, handing one to you. “Attachments can lead to jealousy, fear, and rage, and none of these emotions are good for a Jedi.”

“But, surely all attachments aren’t bad, Master, I mean, is love truly so awful?”

you argued.

He sighed and took a seat on the chair opposite yours. “Love itself is not bad, but in order to be able to make rationalized and calm decisions, love must be put second to the decisions you’ll need to make as a Jedi.”

“But, how? I don’t understand how I’m meant to put these feelings second when they feel just as strong as the Force in my heart.”

“Do you know why I’m the last known Jedi?” he asked suddenly and you closed your eyes with a sigh. “Because, when the last Jedi order was standing, a Jedi fell to the dark side. Darth Vader fell and hunted them all down like Banthas until their were none left. None but me.”

“Wasn’t it technically the Emperor who did that?”

“You’re missing the point.”

“Yes, I know, his attachments are what led him to the dark side, but have you ever considered that if we were taught how to form healthy attachments that we wouldn’t have to hold back on our emotions?”

“You’re starting to sound like a Sith,” Luke snapped, eyes dark and disapproving.

You sunk into your seat and resisted the urge to cross your arms and pout. He just wasn’t listening to you.

“I just...I have a hard time letting go of attachments,” you said, hoping a calmer approach would help.

“I know, and perhaps that’s my fault. Maybe I was too rash in sending you to Master—“

“Don’t blame her,” you interrupted, suddenly defensive.

“I’m not, but you know she herself isn’t a Jedi and I wonder if perhaps she’s the reason why you have these anti-Jedi sentiments.”

“It’s not ‘anti-Jedi sentiments’ I’m just saying maybe we should take notes from the fallen Jedi order and realize, maybe, they fell because they sucked,” you said and knew as soon as you finished you’d made a mistake. Luke set down his tea cup so harsh you thought it might break and met your gaze with his furious one.

“The ways of the Jedi are important for you to be able to control yourself, lest you become a dark-side user.” 

“You’re going to sit here and tell me the legacy of the Jedi isn’t failure?” You knew you should stop but all your unspoken aggression for the Jedi wanted to come out once you’d opened the gate. “I mean, they are responsible for creating Darth Vader, after all.”

“ _I know_ who created Darth Vader, or have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”

“I know—“

“And, are you going to sit here, at a Jedi temple, and say that the Jedi are the evil ones?”

“I’m not saying Jedi in general are bad! But the old rules didn’t seem to work, so maybe—“

“Y/N, that’s enough!” Luke’s voice boomed. His shoulders slumped at your startled face and he let out a long sigh, dragging a hand over his face.

You could feel waves of regret coming off of him as he placed a hand on your leg, his blue eyes earnest. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. You know I just want what’s best for you—for both of you.”

You didn’t have to ask who the second person was. No doubt this conversation about attachments stemmed from your and Ben’s interactions.

“I know...it’s just...”

“Ben,” Luke finished with a knowing smile. You just stared at him, unsure of what to say.

“We’re just really good friends,” you eventually settled on but, judging by Luke’s face, he wasn’t buying it.

“I’m not angry at you for feeling these attachments. I’m not angry at either of you, but it does worry me, especially with Ben’s inclination towards the Dark.”

“That’s not fair,” you objected but Luke held up a hand to stop you.

“It’s alright.” He chuckled. “I obviously struggle with it too; that outburst wasn’t very Jedi of me.”

You let out a short chortle. “No, it was not.”

Luke’s clear blue eyes shined as he stared at you and you couldn’t help but send a smile his way. He squeezed your knee and pulled back to lay back in his chair once more.

“I’m not upset with either of you,” he started and then fixed you with a look. “But, these feelings are not ones that can be acted on and you need to know that. I can’t have these kind of talks with Ben without pushing him further away from me, so it’s up to you to keep you both in check.”

“Great,” you grumbled, this time actually crossing your arms across your chest.

Luke chuckled. “I know it can be difficult, trust me. There have been a few times that I considered putting down my saber in the pursuit of settling down with a someone I love.”

“Really?” you asked, perking up in surprise.

Luke laughed softly. “Yes, really. It’s natural to have doubts, but you can’t let them lead you towards the wrong decision. I was able to sort my priorities. Now, the only thing you need to ask yourself is, can you do that? Can you put your duties as a Jedi above all else?”

You stared at him with wide eyes, unsure of what to answer.

“I—“

Luke held up a hand to stop you. “You don’t have to tell me right now. I want you to think about this, sit on it for a while, and maybe speak to Ben about it. I think he’d be more willing to listen to you than he is me.”

You gulped and nodded curtly, sure Luke could feel your anxiety coming off of you in waves. Luke closed his eyes with a smile and soon after you felt an air of tranquility wash over you, easing your anxiety for the moment.

Of course, this calmness didn’t come from your own mind, so as soon as Luke stopped pressing these feelings into your mind, or you shut him out, your anxiety would return to its full strength.

You smiled out of kindness, obligation really, as he stood to lead you out, his inner workings of your mind already fading and your fear quickly rushing in to replace it.

You left his abode in a frenzy, your heart racing and breath jagged. It frightened you that Luke possibly knew this whole time of your feelings for Ben and all your hiding, all your attempts at pushing down your feelings had been for nothing. He already knew what an awful Jedi you were.

If anything, after this talk you were left with more questions. Were you sure you wanted to be a Jedi? You were always told that there were only two sides—the Jedi and the Sith—and any divulgence from the Jedi way was just a path to the Dark Side. But, your old master had shown you another way, a better way, but you felt the sting of Luke’s disapproval whenever you considered going down that path. He had put the fear of the Dark Side in you from a very young age, and this had caused you to cling onto the prospect of being a Jedi like a lifeline.

Clearly, Luke had been right, your master had affected your view on the Jedi versus Sith and if there was another way. But then, you wondered why he would even have let you go, knowing she was not on either side.

You knew the main reason he had let you go to your old master in the first place was because she knew your parents and he knew that he couldn’t let you pass up an opportunity to learn about your family like that, and possibly meet new family. Still, you often wondered why he was so willing to let you go to her. In fact, it was him who had suggested it, and you always found that quite odd.

He’d given you a short talk of not letting this master sway your view on your future as a Jedi, but you don’t see how you could’ve abided by that given all you experienced there.

Still, the thought of straying from the Jedi brought great fear in your heart, no matter how much your master spoke of their faults.

But, how were you to become this perfect Jedi he wanted you to be? Were you meant to distance yourself from Ben? And for how long? Would it be worth it?

Luke hadn’t directly said you would need to distance yourself from Ben to continue your path as a Jedi, but he sure as hell had implied it. If Ben didn’t change, you needed to turn your back on him.

Did you need to talk to Ben about this? You didn’t want to risk driving him away...

Groaning in frustration, you headed toward the cafeteria for dinner time. Maybe getting some food in your system would help you think.

You immediately spotted Ben at your regular table as you entered the cafeteria. His eyes were glazed over and he was staring down at his food tray with the upmost contempt. You were almost worried until you saw who was sitting next to him and you had to hold in your laugh. Jannik was next to him, passionately ranting about some thing or another, probably one of those holo-shows he watches, while Ben looked as though he wanted a TIE-fighter to blow up the building right about now.

His face instantly perked up when he saw you and his eyes screamed to you in desperation. “Y/N!”

You chuckled softly. “Hey guys,” you greeted, standing by the table. Ben was clearly getting anxious for you to sit with them; you could practically hear him screaming at you in his head.

“I’m gonna to go get some food, but I’ll come sit with you in a second,” you said, throwing one last humor-filled glance towards Ben.

“Save me,” you heard him try and cover up with a cough. You hid your giggle under your breath and made a beeline for today’s meal: Naboo sardine fridder.

When you finally came to sit down with your meal, Ben looked ready to explode, and this time you decided to actually rescue him.

“So,” you cut in when it seemed like Jannik was finally taking a breath, “that was a riveting conversation with Master Skywalker.”

“What was it about this time?” Ben asked, the crease between his eyebrows still not relaxing.

“Oh, you know, the usual. Me not being able to let go of attachment and basically being the worst Jedi ever.”

You took a harsh bite of your fritter and ripped the fork out of your mouth with a glower.

“Did he tell you about how he’s the last Jedi left?”

“Yep.”

“Yeah, I get that one a lot.”

You gave a Ben a small smile. Talking to him after one of your and Luke’s talks always made you feel better and less alone. You felt like less of a horrible Jedi when you heard that Ben also felt that the Jedi weren’t as perfect as Luke and everyone else made them out to be.

Were these the conversations that Master Luke was saying we’re dangerous?

Ben returned your smile and nudged your leg with his foot under the table. You ducked your head as your grin grew and you flushed.

You felt affection coming off of Ben and toward you and when you normally would’ve welcomed it, now it just left you with questioning thoughts.

Ben’s smile fell slightly when he felt the walls in your mind go up.

“I wonder where he would’ve gotten the idea of you not being able to let go of attachments,” Jannik teased with a toothy grin, eliciting a sour expression from you. You chuckled humorlessly and casually swiped your hand in the air, willing the Force around his food tray so that it fell to the ground with a clatter, a few other students looking over in curiosity at the sound.

“Oops.”

You could see the hint of a smirk on Ben’s face as you peaked over at him.

“Nice,” he grumbled and leaned down to collect his tray and the small amount of food that had been left. Like you’d intended, he scurried off to throw his things away.

You rolled your eyes, your whole head moving with the motion, as he walked away. Now was not the time for his incessant teasing.

“So, attachments, huh?” Ben asked now that you were alone.

“Yep. He seems to have lectures about it reserved directly for me,” you grumbled, grumpily resting your cheek on your palm.

“Oh, never you worry, he’s lectured me about it plenty.”

You thought about what Luke said, about him not being able to have those sort of talks with Ben. Was it up to you to be the one who listens?

You huffed. “Yeah, well, I can never seem to take it in stride as much as you do.”

He chuckled and dragged a hand across his face. “Well, I wouldn’t call what I do ‘taking it in stride’ but, thank you.”

You gave a quick tight lipped smile before letting your eyes fall to the table as your thoughts roared in your head. You wanted so desperately to live in this bubble of you and Ben sharing stories of Luke’s lectures and laughing at the absurdity, but what if Luke was right? Was it worth it to be a good Jedi if you wouldn’t be happy? Could you do that to Ben? To either of you?

“You okay?” Ben asked, breaking your out if your thoughts. You swallowed and quickly threw on a smile that you hoped looked convincing.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

Your smile fell. You could never hide from him.

“It’s just...the rule of attachments. I don’t know, sometimes I just think...”

“Think what?”

Your eyes flickered up to see his bright and honest eyes, golden sparks appearing in the glow of the fluorescents. It was never fair that he had such pretty eyes, it made it hard to lie to him.

“I think they’re wrong. And that you should be able to be a fully functioning Jedi without holding back on things like attachments...or if not a Jedi, at the very least a functioning light-side weirder...and I-I don’t think feelings that _feel_ this _right_ could be wrong...I just, don’t think that’s fair.”

Ben listened patiently, with earnest eyes, even after you had finished. He could sense you had more to say.

You sighed and let your eyes fall to your lap. “I just want to feel free, you know? And...I don’t get that here.”

“Me too.”

Those simple words shouldn’t have shot into your heart as hard as they did. But, you knew he meant more behind those words than he was actually saying. When your eyes flickered up to meet his, they were darker, intense, trying to convey the meaning of his words that he didn’t want to say aloud.

He always managed to let you know you weren’t alone in what you were feeling and you were eternally grateful for that. You knew from experience that loneliness can eat you up inside

“Ben, I—“

“Thanks so much for _that_ , Y/N,” Jannnik suddenly interrupted, collapsing into his seat next to Ben.

If looks could kill, Ben would’ve killed Jannik three times over.

You must’ve showed a similar expression, because he recoiled at your face and looked between the two of you.

“Did I interrupt something?”

“Yes,” Ben snapped, eyes back on you.

You gulped at his intense gaze that he seemed to only reserve for you. He looked at you as if you were the only person in the world.

Jannik’s presence had broken you of the spell Ben had had on you, though, and you realized how close you had come to saying something you would’ve regretted.

You needed to go. Now.

“I was leaving, anyway,” you said suddenly and quickly scrambled out of your seat. Ben instantly stood as well and you shot him a terrified glance.

“Y/N—“ He started but you held up a hand to stop him.

“I just—I need some air,” you choked out and quickly collected your belongings. You scurried out of cafeteria, leaving Ben’s desperate, gaping face behind, praying to any Gods that were out there that he wouldn’t follow you.

The woods near the valley west of the temple was the only place you could get any real privacy so you quickly marched in that direction. You needed to be as far from Ben as possible before you did something you couldn’t take back.

You were nearly to the opening of the woods when you sensed him.

“Y/N!” You heard him shout and your eyes filled with frustrated tears.

“Please, just go away,” you pleaded.

“I know how you feel.”

You squeezed your eye shut and tears spilled over and onto your cheeks.

_I know._

“I’m such a bad Jedi,” you sobbed.

He chuckled softly. “Well, neither of us are any good in that department, are we?”

“It’s not suppose to be this hard.”

There was a pause. “I know.”

“I just—I don’t wanna feel like this anymore! I’m so scared all the time and I— hate it!” You screamed, hoping to feel at least a little cathartic, but ending up disappointed.

Your hand flew to grip your hair in frustration and you let out a long wail of anguish.

“I’m just so scared all the time of turning to the dark side and...and of lo—”

You whipped around to face him and were surprised to see him bare to you. No mask. No hiding. This was your Ben.

“...and of losing you.”

You were both silent for a moment, save for your ragged breath.

Ben tore his eyes away and gulped before turning back to you. “Did you mean what you said last night?”

“What?” you asked, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“When you said you wished every night could be like that night on Naboo. Did you mean it?” He inched closer to you the more he spoke.

So he did remember.

You shook your head and blinked rapidly.“I—I don’t know. We were high and I didn’t think either of us would remember.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Your chest rose and fell with your heavy breathing as he continued to hold you in place with his stare.

What answer was he searching for?

“Because I meant it, when I said I agreed.”

His confession sent a sharp pang to your chest and you gulped fearfully.

“Ben...”

“Say the word and I’ll leave with you. We can leave all this behind us and start a better life.” Now he was less than a foot away from you.

You opened and closed your mouth like a gaping fish, stuttering as your words refused to come out.

“Are you—are you out of your _mind_? We wouldn’t survive a week out there on our own.”

“That’s what Luke wants you to think. He doesn’t want you to reach your full potential. He fears your power. _Our_ power.”

You shook your head, eyebrows pulled together. “That’s not true. Luke takes care of us.”

“Look at us! Do we act like people who are taken care of?” He shouted, gesturing between the two of you.

You stared at him with wide, frantic eyes. Everything he was saying was resonating with a part of you that you desperately wanted to push down.

“I—I, we _can’t_.” You forced yourself to turn away from him again. His intense gaze so close to you was becoming overwhelming and you didn’t know how much longer you could continue to deny him while staring into his eyes.

“Please, just go,” you begged once more, barely above a whisper.

“You feel something for me, I know it.”

Your breath hitched and you fought to keep from turning to him. What you would give to see his face right now. He was saying everything you always wanted, but this was wrong. So wrong.

“It’s too dangerous,” you said, voice shaking.

“I don’t care.”

“Ben, _please_ , just go...please,” you sobbed pathetically.

“I’m not leaving, so you can stop asking.”

He always was an overly stubborn man.

Your breath shook as you attempted a deep breath. “Even if I do...have feelings for you,” you started and had to stop and take another deep breath to try and control your heart that wanted desperately to leap from your chest, “I can’t act on them.”

“You said it yourself, feelings that feel this right can’t be wrong.”

You scoffed. “You choose _now_ to listen to me?”

“Y/N,” he said and you shivered as you felt his warm breath on the back of your neck. His hand came to rest on your shoulder and you allowed him to turn you around to face him.

“Please,” he breathed, eyes glossy. His plump bottom lip trembled with the syllable and it caught your eye.

How could you say no to that?

His hand came up to cup your cheek and you instinctively leaned into it, enjoying the way the Force hummed around you. This felt so right, there was no way the Force _didn’t_ want this.

He leaned forward agonizingly slow and you let him. You couldn’t speak, you could hardly move as his lips came closer to your own. You could feel his warm breath pant over your mouth and your lips parted involuntarily. His lips just barely ghosted over yours when he stopped, making it up to you to make the final move. His thumb

stroked your cheek as he waited for you to decide.

You couldn’t make out a single thought that was bouncing around in your head and they just feel like a buzzing in your mind. You just needed a second to think without his hot, sweet breath wafting towards your face. But, that obviously wasn’t going to be an option as you could hardly move at all, let alone have the ability to pull away.

Maybe one kiss wouldn’t hurt...

Using all of your mental strength, you brought your hand up to his that rested on your cheek, wrapping your small fingers around his giant hand. A gentle smile rose to his face at the gesture and your tears threatened to spill over at the sight. Unsure of what you were doing before you were doing it, you pulled his hand away from your cheek, a tear quickly replacing it.

“I’m sorry,” you said simply.

All hope drained from him like water going down a drain as you pulled away from him and his face crumbled. Your lip trembled and you had to turn away from that familiar face.

It was the exact face he made all those years ago when you told him you had to leave.

Instinctively, you reached out to him with your feelings, only to be instantly pushed out by the walls in his mind. You flinched at the feeling.

“You’re always sorry,” you heard him say.

After a few seconds you heard grass crunching under his feet farther and farther away and you looked to seeing him tearing off into the woods.

“B—“ but his name died in your throat as you realized there was no point.

You screamed in frustration and instinctively pulled out your saber. Shouting profanities, you slashed into the rock in front of you, slicing it into multiple pieces until finally they were too small for you to effectively cut anymore. The molten rock sizzled before you and you realized it gave you no real relief to have had destroyed it and it only served as a reminder that you’d lost control.

Hot tears pricked at your eyes as you crumpled to the grass and brought your knees to your chest. You fought, fought so hard, with your impulse to tear into the woods after him and kiss him until you couldn’t breathe.

You knew this was the right decision. So, why did it feel so wrong?

_It wasn’t suppose to be like this._

There had to be something _wrong_ with you.

You sat in the grass until night fall, hearing the occasional crash from the woods, knowing it was Ben taking his rage out on whatever he could get his hands on. The tears had stopped coming, but the overwhelming pain still resided.

You knew you should get up and go to your hut, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. The old wound that you hoped would never be reopened had been ripped apart and was currently hemorrhaging at an uncontrollable rate. Nothing mattered.

This was even worse than the first time you had been forced to reject him.

Your headache from last night’s activities had returned with your lack of hydration and you laid your head on the cold, damp grass. It soothed your aching head and helped you to think more clearly.

You were sure the morning sun would wake you up, at least, that’s what you told yourself as you began drifting off in the grass.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos or comments if you enjoyed it! I’ll try to update as soon as possible! Thank you all for reading <3


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